Crete- June 2010

Myself, on some rocks with dashing replica Chanel glasses

Continuing on with big things I have done to overcome my anxiety just a little after a year on from my first ever flight, which was to New York (previous post) in the summer of 2010 I got the courage to do it all again. In between this time I had finished my exams at Secondary School and was just finishing up my first year of college. For me, at this stage things had improved, my anxiety attacks only come about when I was attempting new things, I just had nerves, nothing too over powering like I was experiencing the year before. So this could be why I felt like I could do this trip.

It was me and my boyfriend who went, we only went for 5 days as we couldn't really afford a whole week- being students and all that! This holiday for me was a big milestone, it was the first time I had been away from my parents, first time I had been on a sunny holiday abroad and only the second time I had flown. 

Throughout our days in Crete we did the normal touristy things, going to water parks, sitting on the beach, going out for drinks in the evening, it was a very enjoyable holiday. An for me this was me really fighting my anxiety, as throughout the holiday I had no attacks, none, for 5 days, in a foreign country, away from home- needless to say I was amazed, proud of myself and grateful to my boyfriend and family for supporting me throughout this time.

Could I really have beat this? Am I clear? Am I free? I really felt it, it felt great to be out enjoying myself with not a care in the world, I felt somewhat 'normal'. 

Be sure to become a follower via bloglovin'! I'm going to be doing more posts like this in the next upcoming weeks. (It may seem like a travel blog for now, but I just want to stress the fact that big fears are achievable!)

The First Challenge I Faced- New York

Looking over to New York City from Brooklyn.

In March/April 2009 my parents wanted to take a trip to New York. For us, once in a lifetime opportunity! I had never been on a plane before and it was roughly going to be an 8 hour flight. Flying was my worst fear (key word, was!) 

The flight was horrendous, I didn't eat, I panicked the whole way. I was shaking for the whole time, completely on edge. But I made it, I made it to the Big Apple.

Times Square

New York was an experience, let's say that. Suffering from social anxiety this was not the ideal place for me, it was the busiest place I had ever been, people everywhere, everywhere. Needless to say the trip was a struggle for me, but I survived to tell the tale! I wouldn't hesitate to go back. For me, New York was the beginning, in all fairness it did bring my anxiety to a point that I had never experienced before. I was unable to do certain things- such as going up the Empire State Building, it was just too much for me to do, but if I ever had the opportunity to go back, I would be up there in a flash! But for the most part I was able to be involved in all the normal touristy activities. 

But the feeling of when the plane touched down in London, the sense of achievement was one of the greatest feelings I have ever experienced to this day.

The President was even pleased to see me

I didn't have any medication to go on this trip, I did it all myself, and to this day I see this as an achievement. When I got back, the trip did bring up mixed feelings and still day to day things were a challenge, but I'm in a better place now and I can look back at this with a positive attitude. One of the main things was the flying aspect! I have now been on a plane 3 times since!

Triggers

Everybody who suffers from some sort of anxiety, has some sort of trigger especially if it's panic disorder. I have explained that in a previous post. Take a look :)

Panic disorder is where you may be in a situation and panic and then you will always link that situation to 'something bad.' Therefore, in future when these situations occur panic can be triggered and it's natural to want to shy away from these things but the most important thing, and the best way to beat it is to confront it and continue on with life as 'normal.'

• When my anxiety was at it worst, I couldn't even queue in my local supermarket. I would stand there and all of a sudden, my body would boil up, my skin would be burning, I would be sweating and short of breath. This would then naturally make me panic even more. Everyday I would have to go and buy lunch, so I was facing this issue on a daily basis, and gradually it has gotten better. I still get it occasionally. But in my mind I needed to overcome the fact just because it happened once, doesn't mean it's going to happen again. For me, this was the most common event it would happen in any shop.
• I would also get the attacks when driving, more so if I was driving alone. I would have to pull over and half the time my nerves would make me sick. This then made the doctor stop me from driving alone, so once I had finished the break, to work on myself. I started off driving short journeys, gradually building it up.
• Generally, being alone in public, or in general public situations I would turn into a frenzy of panic and nerves. So I would avoid these situations, this would mean even going out with friends for drinks, but I'm gradually getting my life back in that respect.

My Treatment

If you haven't already read my previous post regarding when I first started suffering with anxiety and panic disorder you can view it here.

In my previous post I started that when I first started suffering I was at school undertaking my GCSE's so it was a very important time for me. After missing quite a bit of school, my mum made me go to the doctor's to see if I could get anything sorted. Needless to say this was a very hard time for me, going and talking to a stranger about what was going on in my head, even I didn't really know. I went and straight away the doctor put me on diazepam, he did state that this was not a long term solution but the thought behind it was that it would work quick to see me through my exams. 

My exams came and went, and fair enough I got through them, it was a struggle as I felt constantly sick through them, but I did them. But my nerves were still a daily battle, so I went back to the doctor who gave me another course of the medication. 

Time passed, the summer holidays were well underway and I was still taking diazepam. I didn't really find it was helping all that much, but one day of the holidays stands out to me. I was shopping with my mum and we were in Marks and Spencer and she was talking to someone who she knew, I had no idea who she was, so naturally in my state I felt uneasy. I remember getting really hot, to the point of sweat dripping from my forehead, I was panicking, I couldn't catch my breath. So I thought that I better take a tablet, I carried them around with me everywhere. But on this day I didn't have a bottle of water and in my silent panic I knew that I couldn't dry swallow this tablet. Then it occurred to me that I was only in this panic because I forgot to take a tablet before we left the house. This was the one moment it occurred  to me that getting over this and beating it was down to me, not these little tablets that had become such a huge part of my life, me. 

As soon as I got home that day I pretty much went cold turkey, I flushed all the remaining tablets down the toilet and vowed to myself that I could do it alone.

Sure enough, as the holidays progressed I was going out with friends, meeting new people and just generally living the life that a 16 year old should. I was even looking forward to starting college, looking forward to the prospect of new things and the new people that would await. I couldn't believe that in just over 3 months I had beat it. I was back to my normal self.

___________

A lot of time had passed and I really thought I had done so well and beaten it my nerves seemed to be a thing of the past. At the age of 20, I had completed college, completed an apprenticeship and was still in full time work. But I noticed that certain things were starting to make me anxious again, like going out with friends, going to work events, even driving by myself. It was in January when it was my boyfriends birthday and I was driving over after work, but felt so ill. I had to pull over to be sick and then when I was driving on my vision was funny. I didn't spend long at my boyfriends as I knew I wasn't well and had another half hour drive ahead of me.

These sorts of occurrences kept happening. They became more regular, deep down I think I knew I was suffering from anxiety again but I didn't want to admit it. Simple things were becoming more of a challenge again, and it pained me because I had come so far and done so well.

So after a while, after it got really bad, worse than when I suffered it at 16, my mum told me to go to the doctor again. So I went and this time because I was a little older I had to take these tests, tests where you rate on a scale of 1-5 how you are feeling or how regularly you get anxious. Unfortunately I scored high on both tests. Which meant I was currently suffering anxiety again but was also depressed. So the doctor put me on some antidepressants this time. It was called Citalopram. 

I started taking it, but it wasn't working, in fact it was making things worse, I couldn't sleep at night I would just sweat with worry (nice image for you) but it was true. So I changed when I would take the tablets, but that didn't work either. I turned to herbal medication to help me sleep, but my worries were still overriding it. I would just cry, and cry. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself I was so physically and mental exhausted and still working a full time job.

I came off the medication. It was just everything worse and I was feeling worse, again after previous experience I knew that it was down to me to get me out of this black hole. The doctor had also referred me to this therapy service that we have in my area. It's all done over the phone, you can attend meetings if you wish, but public situations were my worst nightmare right now. I called up and was told that it was an 8 week waiting list. At this stage anything was fine.

8 weeks went passed and I must of improved a bit, I had the phone call from my therapist, finally, but I missed it. Which then resulted in a letter saying that because I never answered the phone they have signed me off and assumed I no longer require the service. I could go back to my doctor and get a referral again, but what was the point? It didn't seem very helpful anyway.

So this leads me to now, everyday is still a step and that is what I am going to be documenting on here. I will post the steps I take to overcome it in hope that it may inspire or help one of you. We are not alone :)

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Hi Everyone

Thank you to everyone who has been reading this site, could I please ask you to follow me to keep up to date will all my posts? It's via Bloglovin' which is completely free!

I would be really grateful and it would mean a lot!

Thank you :)

Suzanne xoox

Panic Attacks and Panic Disorder

There is another string to the bow of anxiety and that is panic attacks and panic disorder. Some people are lucky and don't suffer with any, or either or. But they are all different from one another. You can see my post on anxiety and GAD here.

What is a panic attack?

If you ever have a panic attack, you will know about it, they are unmistakable. All of a sudden, you feel your body heat up, your heart pounds while your breathing gets heavier and harder, your senses heighten and everything is just going over and over in your head. You feel like it's heart attack, this thing is taking over your body, you feel as though you might die. 

No, no you won't die. In this moment your heart is better so fast, it's not really possible. It's all in your mind, that's what all of this is. A panic attack is your body going into overdrive. They are horrible, horrible things but they won't kill you. 

Common symptoms when having a panic attack include;

• Sweating
• Shaking
• A feeling of choking
• Dizziness or feeling faint
• Pins and needles
• Hot or cold flushes
• Feeling sick

What is panic disorder?

Panic disorder is where someone will have reoccurring panic attacks, mostly when it relates to something that has already happened, the person will feel a sense of worry. For example, if your shopping and you get stuck in the lift and have a panic attack. You will also connect this when doing the activity again, so it will cause panic or you may choose to not even do it again because the sense of anxiety there is so strong that you can't even entertain the idea. You will try and avoid the situation again.

My thing tends to be if I've had a panic attack in a certain situation before, then I will avoid it, I won't want to do it because my brain will then associate it with being bad and something that I shouldn't do because bad things will happen. It's silly, because I know my brain is being silly but when the sense of panic is so strong. You believe.

25 Random Facts About Me

1. As you may know already I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks which can mean that the simplest things such as going to the shops can be a big task for me.
2. My favourite colour is purple. Everything purple!!
3. I really enjoy having baths, I find them so relaxing after a day at work!
4. I buy most of my clothes from Ebay, I really like a good bargain and hate spending loads of money!
5. My worst fear was flying- so on my first flight where did I go? I took an 8 hour flight to New York.
6. I am an animal lover!
7. I've had a driving license for 2 and a half years.
8. I studied art at college for 2 years ending up with a National Diploma in art and design.
9. I own far too many nail polishes, but I paint my nails a different colour every week.
10. I tend to say me instead of my.
11. I'd love to own a pair of the mojito heels.
12. My dream holiday would be to Bora Bora.
13. I play the guitar.
14. I'm 21 years young. A pretty basic fact for you there.
15. My laptop is my prize possession or my car.
16. Honesty is the most important quality to me.
17. I get addicted to eating stawberry laces. You know, the sweets?
18. I love comedy films! It's very rare I enjoy an action film.
19. I own all 8 series of Desperate Housewives on DVD. Favourite TV show ever.
20. When I was a kid I'm sure I watched every episode of Tom and Jerry.
21. I would love to go back to America!
22. I love Thai food.
23. ...days into september I was born.
24. My all time favourite perfume is- Vera Wang- Princess Night.
25. I'm a homebird.