Crete- June 2010

Myself, on some rocks with dashing replica Chanel glasses

Continuing on with big things I have done to overcome my anxiety just a little after a year on from my first ever flight, which was to New York (previous post) in the summer of 2010 I got the courage to do it all again. In between this time I had finished my exams at Secondary School and was just finishing up my first year of college. For me, at this stage things had improved, my anxiety attacks only come about when I was attempting new things, I just had nerves, nothing too over powering like I was experiencing the year before. So this could be why I felt like I could do this trip.

It was me and my boyfriend who went, we only went for 5 days as we couldn't really afford a whole week- being students and all that! This holiday for me was a big milestone, it was the first time I had been away from my parents, first time I had been on a sunny holiday abroad and only the second time I had flown. 

Throughout our days in Crete we did the normal touristy things, going to water parks, sitting on the beach, going out for drinks in the evening, it was a very enjoyable holiday. An for me this was me really fighting my anxiety, as throughout the holiday I had no attacks, none, for 5 days, in a foreign country, away from home- needless to say I was amazed, proud of myself and grateful to my boyfriend and family for supporting me throughout this time.

Could I really have beat this? Am I clear? Am I free? I really felt it, it felt great to be out enjoying myself with not a care in the world, I felt somewhat 'normal'. 

Be sure to become a follower via bloglovin'! I'm going to be doing more posts like this in the next upcoming weeks. (It may seem like a travel blog for now, but I just want to stress the fact that big fears are achievable!)

Triggers

Everybody who suffers from some sort of anxiety, has some sort of trigger especially if it's panic disorder. I have explained that in a previous post. Take a look :)

Panic disorder is where you may be in a situation and panic and then you will always link that situation to 'something bad.' Therefore, in future when these situations occur panic can be triggered and it's natural to want to shy away from these things but the most important thing, and the best way to beat it is to confront it and continue on with life as 'normal.'

• When my anxiety was at it worst, I couldn't even queue in my local supermarket. I would stand there and all of a sudden, my body would boil up, my skin would be burning, I would be sweating and short of breath. This would then naturally make me panic even more. Everyday I would have to go and buy lunch, so I was facing this issue on a daily basis, and gradually it has gotten better. I still get it occasionally. But in my mind I needed to overcome the fact just because it happened once, doesn't mean it's going to happen again. For me, this was the most common event it would happen in any shop.
• I would also get the attacks when driving, more so if I was driving alone. I would have to pull over and half the time my nerves would make me sick. This then made the doctor stop me from driving alone, so once I had finished the break, to work on myself. I started off driving short journeys, gradually building it up.
• Generally, being alone in public, or in general public situations I would turn into a frenzy of panic and nerves. So I would avoid these situations, this would mean even going out with friends for drinks, but I'm gradually getting my life back in that respect.

Panic Attacks and Panic Disorder

There is another string to the bow of anxiety and that is panic attacks and panic disorder. Some people are lucky and don't suffer with any, or either or. But they are all different from one another. You can see my post on anxiety and GAD here.

What is a panic attack?

If you ever have a panic attack, you will know about it, they are unmistakable. All of a sudden, you feel your body heat up, your heart pounds while your breathing gets heavier and harder, your senses heighten and everything is just going over and over in your head. You feel like it's heart attack, this thing is taking over your body, you feel as though you might die. 

No, no you won't die. In this moment your heart is better so fast, it's not really possible. It's all in your mind, that's what all of this is. A panic attack is your body going into overdrive. They are horrible, horrible things but they won't kill you. 

Common symptoms when having a panic attack include;

• Sweating
• Shaking
• A feeling of choking
• Dizziness or feeling faint
• Pins and needles
• Hot or cold flushes
• Feeling sick

What is panic disorder?

Panic disorder is where someone will have reoccurring panic attacks, mostly when it relates to something that has already happened, the person will feel a sense of worry. For example, if your shopping and you get stuck in the lift and have a panic attack. You will also connect this when doing the activity again, so it will cause panic or you may choose to not even do it again because the sense of anxiety there is so strong that you can't even entertain the idea. You will try and avoid the situation again.

My thing tends to be if I've had a panic attack in a certain situation before, then I will avoid it, I won't want to do it because my brain will then associate it with being bad and something that I shouldn't do because bad things will happen. It's silly, because I know my brain is being silly but when the sense of panic is so strong. You believe.

The Start of My Story..

This is a post that for me is very revealing, it's probably something that I haven't shared with a lot of people in my lifetime. But this is when my nerves started to play a big part of my life.

As a young child I think I was always nervous, for example when going to friends parties I would think about it all day, think how much I didn't want to go because my tummy always felt funny, at this young and tender age I had no idea that the feeling in my stomach was my nerves. I never really told anyone because for some reason, I thought it was normal, but at that age I didn't know any different. As I got older I started to be a bit more vocal with my parents when I felt uneasy and this is where they confirmed it was my nerves. So yes, generally I was a very nervous child.

When I got to the age of about 8 or 9, my dad left us. By us, that's my mum, my brother and me. He had told my mum a couple of days before of his intentions but then one morning my mum just come down the stairs and broke down crying right in front of me, to this day I can relay that morning back as if it only just happened. I cannot put into words the feelings I had, intact to even sit here and write this my chest tightens. I won't go into the reasons why he left or other unpleasant details that happened at this time. But my dad was still around for a couple of weeks before he moved out. It was sometime in the school holidays. I remember waking up on the first day of term and worried that everybody would know what had happened to my family. I didn't want to go to school. Each morning my mum would drop me off at my grandparents and I would then walk up to school.

From then on things did settle down, I got used to my "new" life. I hardly seen my dad at first, I didn't want to. But very gradually I let him back into my life. Since all this had gone on, I had noticed that my nerves had got worse. At the age of 10/11 I started to develop migraines with aura, and I would never wish this upon anyone, my first one was the scariest most painful experience of my life! I think at this time it was triggered due to stress.

I then left primary school and went onto secondary where I really thought my life would get back on track, dad had moved back in and generally home life was more evenly balanced. My earliest memories of secondary school are not nice ones, I was bullied- a lot. A lot more than I ever let on to my parents. I had acne on my face and back and people would just lay into me over it. I tried everything under the sun, creams, lotions, doctors perceptions but nothing cleared it, so it was just something I grew to live with.

As school went on some days I really wouldn't want to go, like anyone! Walking to school I would be sick on the way most mornings. But this again was something I learnt to live with. Then when I got to my last year, literally the last 3 months everything just went down hill for me. I didn't want to leave the house, I physically couldn't go to school. Finally, mum gave in and let me stay at home if I went to the doctors to get some help. I agreed. But why did I agree? I couldn't get on a public bus, by myself, to go and sort out the problem, that this situation would just make worse. It took me a week to get to the doctors and they put me on a course of Diazepam. I took the first course and didn't really see much improvement, so I went back and they gave me another lot. By this time school had ok'd me to go on early study leave, as long as I attended my english and math classes that was ok up until exams.

I remember my friends pestering me, asking me why I was on early study leave. But I couldn't tell anyone, because in my mind I had no idea why! I managed to get through the last couple of lessons and my exams and then summer started. Over the summer I got better, dramatically. I was like a new person, not a worry in the world! I couldn't believe it!

Since then I attended college for 2 years, passed my driving test and have completed an apprenticeship in business and administration. Still getting nervous over the common things but my anxiety had died down a fair bit.

Until January of this year. Oh boy, it come back with vengeance. An I haven't been able to shack it off since. I don't let it get in the way as much as I did when I was younger but it's still a big part of me and what I face on a daily basis. I went back to the doctors and was put on an antidepressants as I wasn't sleeping either, and working full time, I needed my sleep! But this didn't work it just made things a whole lot worse so I made the decision to come off them and go at it alone. And here I am, going at it alone. But I realise that I'm not alone because there are many of you that are going through the same thing.

This is a short round up of my story, maybe in certain posts in the future I will go more in depth of certain aspects but that's it for now :)