This is a post that for me is very revealing, it's probably something that I haven't shared with a lot of people in my lifetime. But this is when my nerves started to play a big part of my life.
As a young child I think I was always nervous, for example when going to friends parties I would think about it all day, think how much I didn't want to go because my tummy always felt funny, at this young and tender age I had no idea that the feeling in my stomach was my nerves. I never really told anyone because for some reason, I thought it was normal, but at that age I didn't know any different. As I got older I started to be a bit more vocal with my parents when I felt uneasy and this is where they confirmed it was my nerves. So yes, generally I was a very nervous child.
When I got to the age of about 8 or 9, my dad left us. By us, that's my mum, my brother and me. He had told my mum a couple of days before of his intentions but then one morning my mum just come down the stairs and broke down crying right in front of me, to this day I can relay that morning back as if it only just happened. I cannot put into words the feelings I had, intact to even sit here and write this my chest tightens. I won't go into the reasons why he left or other unpleasant details that happened at this time. But my dad was still around for a couple of weeks before he moved out. It was sometime in the school holidays. I remember waking up on the first day of term and worried that everybody would know what had happened to my family. I didn't want to go to school. Each morning my mum would drop me off at my grandparents and I would then walk up to school.
From then on things did settle down, I got used to my "new" life. I hardly seen my dad at first, I didn't want to. But very gradually I let him back into my life. Since all this had gone on, I had noticed that my nerves had got worse. At the age of 10/11 I started to develop migraines with aura, and I would never wish this upon anyone, my first one was the scariest most painful experience of my life! I think at this time it was triggered due to stress.
I then left primary school and went onto secondary where I really thought my life would get back on track, dad had moved back in and generally home life was more evenly balanced. My earliest memories of secondary school are not nice ones, I was bullied- a lot. A lot more than I ever let on to my parents. I had acne on my face and back and people would just lay into me over it. I tried everything under the sun, creams, lotions, doctors perceptions but nothing cleared it, so it was just something I grew to live with.
As school went on some days I really wouldn't want to go, like anyone! Walking to school I would be sick on the way most mornings. But this again was something I learnt to live with. Then when I got to my last year, literally the last 3 months everything just went down hill for me. I didn't want to leave the house, I physically couldn't go to school. Finally, mum gave in and let me stay at home if I went to the doctors to get some help. I agreed. But why did I agree? I couldn't get on a public bus, by myself, to go and sort out the problem, that this situation would just make worse. It took me a week to get to the doctors and they put me on a course of Diazepam. I took the first course and didn't really see much improvement, so I went back and they gave me another lot. By this time school had ok'd me to go on early study leave, as long as I attended my english and math classes that was ok up until exams.
I remember my friends pestering me, asking me why I was on early study leave. But I couldn't tell anyone, because in my mind I had no idea why! I managed to get through the last couple of lessons and my exams and then summer started. Over the summer I got better, dramatically. I was like a new person, not a worry in the world! I couldn't believe it!
Since then I attended college for 2 years, passed my driving test and have completed an apprenticeship in business and administration. Still getting nervous over the common things but my anxiety had died down a fair bit.
Until January of this year. Oh boy, it come back with vengeance. An I haven't been able to shack it off since. I don't let it get in the way as much as I did when I was younger but it's still a big part of me and what I face on a daily basis. I went back to the doctors and was put on an antidepressants as I wasn't sleeping either, and working full time, I needed my sleep! But this didn't work it just made things a whole lot worse so I made the decision to come off them and go at it alone. And here I am, going at it alone. But I realise that I'm not alone because there are many of you that are going through the same thing.
This is a short round up of my story, maybe in certain posts in the future I will go more in depth of certain aspects but that's it for now :)
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