My Treatment

If you haven't already read my previous post regarding when I first started suffering with anxiety and panic disorder you can view it here.

In my previous post I started that when I first started suffering I was at school undertaking my GCSE's so it was a very important time for me. After missing quite a bit of school, my mum made me go to the doctor's to see if I could get anything sorted. Needless to say this was a very hard time for me, going and talking to a stranger about what was going on in my head, even I didn't really know. I went and straight away the doctor put me on diazepam, he did state that this was not a long term solution but the thought behind it was that it would work quick to see me through my exams. 

My exams came and went, and fair enough I got through them, it was a struggle as I felt constantly sick through them, but I did them. But my nerves were still a daily battle, so I went back to the doctor who gave me another course of the medication. 

Time passed, the summer holidays were well underway and I was still taking diazepam. I didn't really find it was helping all that much, but one day of the holidays stands out to me. I was shopping with my mum and we were in Marks and Spencer and she was talking to someone who she knew, I had no idea who she was, so naturally in my state I felt uneasy. I remember getting really hot, to the point of sweat dripping from my forehead, I was panicking, I couldn't catch my breath. So I thought that I better take a tablet, I carried them around with me everywhere. But on this day I didn't have a bottle of water and in my silent panic I knew that I couldn't dry swallow this tablet. Then it occurred to me that I was only in this panic because I forgot to take a tablet before we left the house. This was the one moment it occurred  to me that getting over this and beating it was down to me, not these little tablets that had become such a huge part of my life, me. 

As soon as I got home that day I pretty much went cold turkey, I flushed all the remaining tablets down the toilet and vowed to myself that I could do it alone.

Sure enough, as the holidays progressed I was going out with friends, meeting new people and just generally living the life that a 16 year old should. I was even looking forward to starting college, looking forward to the prospect of new things and the new people that would await. I couldn't believe that in just over 3 months I had beat it. I was back to my normal self.

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A lot of time had passed and I really thought I had done so well and beaten it my nerves seemed to be a thing of the past. At the age of 20, I had completed college, completed an apprenticeship and was still in full time work. But I noticed that certain things were starting to make me anxious again, like going out with friends, going to work events, even driving by myself. It was in January when it was my boyfriends birthday and I was driving over after work, but felt so ill. I had to pull over to be sick and then when I was driving on my vision was funny. I didn't spend long at my boyfriends as I knew I wasn't well and had another half hour drive ahead of me.

These sorts of occurrences kept happening. They became more regular, deep down I think I knew I was suffering from anxiety again but I didn't want to admit it. Simple things were becoming more of a challenge again, and it pained me because I had come so far and done so well.

So after a while, after it got really bad, worse than when I suffered it at 16, my mum told me to go to the doctor again. So I went and this time because I was a little older I had to take these tests, tests where you rate on a scale of 1-5 how you are feeling or how regularly you get anxious. Unfortunately I scored high on both tests. Which meant I was currently suffering anxiety again but was also depressed. So the doctor put me on some antidepressants this time. It was called Citalopram. 

I started taking it, but it wasn't working, in fact it was making things worse, I couldn't sleep at night I would just sweat with worry (nice image for you) but it was true. So I changed when I would take the tablets, but that didn't work either. I turned to herbal medication to help me sleep, but my worries were still overriding it. I would just cry, and cry. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself I was so physically and mental exhausted and still working a full time job.

I came off the medication. It was just everything worse and I was feeling worse, again after previous experience I knew that it was down to me to get me out of this black hole. The doctor had also referred me to this therapy service that we have in my area. It's all done over the phone, you can attend meetings if you wish, but public situations were my worst nightmare right now. I called up and was told that it was an 8 week waiting list. At this stage anything was fine.

8 weeks went passed and I must of improved a bit, I had the phone call from my therapist, finally, but I missed it. Which then resulted in a letter saying that because I never answered the phone they have signed me off and assumed I no longer require the service. I could go back to my doctor and get a referral again, but what was the point? It didn't seem very helpful anyway.

So this leads me to now, everyday is still a step and that is what I am going to be documenting on here. I will post the steps I take to overcome it in hope that it may inspire or help one of you. We are not alone :)