Triggers

Everybody who suffers from some sort of anxiety, has some sort of trigger especially if it's panic disorder. I have explained that in a previous post. Take a look :)

Panic disorder is where you may be in a situation and panic and then you will always link that situation to 'something bad.' Therefore, in future when these situations occur panic can be triggered and it's natural to want to shy away from these things but the most important thing, and the best way to beat it is to confront it and continue on with life as 'normal.'

• When my anxiety was at it worst, I couldn't even queue in my local supermarket. I would stand there and all of a sudden, my body would boil up, my skin would be burning, I would be sweating and short of breath. This would then naturally make me panic even more. Everyday I would have to go and buy lunch, so I was facing this issue on a daily basis, and gradually it has gotten better. I still get it occasionally. But in my mind I needed to overcome the fact just because it happened once, doesn't mean it's going to happen again. For me, this was the most common event it would happen in any shop.
• I would also get the attacks when driving, more so if I was driving alone. I would have to pull over and half the time my nerves would make me sick. This then made the doctor stop me from driving alone, so once I had finished the break, to work on myself. I started off driving short journeys, gradually building it up.
• Generally, being alone in public, or in general public situations I would turn into a frenzy of panic and nerves. So I would avoid these situations, this would mean even going out with friends for drinks, but I'm gradually getting my life back in that respect.

My Treatment

If you haven't already read my previous post regarding when I first started suffering with anxiety and panic disorder you can view it here.

In my previous post I started that when I first started suffering I was at school undertaking my GCSE's so it was a very important time for me. After missing quite a bit of school, my mum made me go to the doctor's to see if I could get anything sorted. Needless to say this was a very hard time for me, going and talking to a stranger about what was going on in my head, even I didn't really know. I went and straight away the doctor put me on diazepam, he did state that this was not a long term solution but the thought behind it was that it would work quick to see me through my exams. 

My exams came and went, and fair enough I got through them, it was a struggle as I felt constantly sick through them, but I did them. But my nerves were still a daily battle, so I went back to the doctor who gave me another course of the medication. 

Time passed, the summer holidays were well underway and I was still taking diazepam. I didn't really find it was helping all that much, but one day of the holidays stands out to me. I was shopping with my mum and we were in Marks and Spencer and she was talking to someone who she knew, I had no idea who she was, so naturally in my state I felt uneasy. I remember getting really hot, to the point of sweat dripping from my forehead, I was panicking, I couldn't catch my breath. So I thought that I better take a tablet, I carried them around with me everywhere. But on this day I didn't have a bottle of water and in my silent panic I knew that I couldn't dry swallow this tablet. Then it occurred to me that I was only in this panic because I forgot to take a tablet before we left the house. This was the one moment it occurred  to me that getting over this and beating it was down to me, not these little tablets that had become such a huge part of my life, me. 

As soon as I got home that day I pretty much went cold turkey, I flushed all the remaining tablets down the toilet and vowed to myself that I could do it alone.

Sure enough, as the holidays progressed I was going out with friends, meeting new people and just generally living the life that a 16 year old should. I was even looking forward to starting college, looking forward to the prospect of new things and the new people that would await. I couldn't believe that in just over 3 months I had beat it. I was back to my normal self.

___________

A lot of time had passed and I really thought I had done so well and beaten it my nerves seemed to be a thing of the past. At the age of 20, I had completed college, completed an apprenticeship and was still in full time work. But I noticed that certain things were starting to make me anxious again, like going out with friends, going to work events, even driving by myself. It was in January when it was my boyfriends birthday and I was driving over after work, but felt so ill. I had to pull over to be sick and then when I was driving on my vision was funny. I didn't spend long at my boyfriends as I knew I wasn't well and had another half hour drive ahead of me.

These sorts of occurrences kept happening. They became more regular, deep down I think I knew I was suffering from anxiety again but I didn't want to admit it. Simple things were becoming more of a challenge again, and it pained me because I had come so far and done so well.

So after a while, after it got really bad, worse than when I suffered it at 16, my mum told me to go to the doctor again. So I went and this time because I was a little older I had to take these tests, tests where you rate on a scale of 1-5 how you are feeling or how regularly you get anxious. Unfortunately I scored high on both tests. Which meant I was currently suffering anxiety again but was also depressed. So the doctor put me on some antidepressants this time. It was called Citalopram. 

I started taking it, but it wasn't working, in fact it was making things worse, I couldn't sleep at night I would just sweat with worry (nice image for you) but it was true. So I changed when I would take the tablets, but that didn't work either. I turned to herbal medication to help me sleep, but my worries were still overriding it. I would just cry, and cry. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself I was so physically and mental exhausted and still working a full time job.

I came off the medication. It was just everything worse and I was feeling worse, again after previous experience I knew that it was down to me to get me out of this black hole. The doctor had also referred me to this therapy service that we have in my area. It's all done over the phone, you can attend meetings if you wish, but public situations were my worst nightmare right now. I called up and was told that it was an 8 week waiting list. At this stage anything was fine.

8 weeks went passed and I must of improved a bit, I had the phone call from my therapist, finally, but I missed it. Which then resulted in a letter saying that because I never answered the phone they have signed me off and assumed I no longer require the service. I could go back to my doctor and get a referral again, but what was the point? It didn't seem very helpful anyway.

So this leads me to now, everyday is still a step and that is what I am going to be documenting on here. I will post the steps I take to overcome it in hope that it may inspire or help one of you. We are not alone :)

.Following me.

Hi Everyone

Thank you to everyone who has been reading this site, could I please ask you to follow me to keep up to date will all my posts? It's via Bloglovin' which is completely free!

I would be really grateful and it would mean a lot!

Thank you :)

Suzanne xoox

Panic Attacks and Panic Disorder

There is another string to the bow of anxiety and that is panic attacks and panic disorder. Some people are lucky and don't suffer with any, or either or. But they are all different from one another. You can see my post on anxiety and GAD here.

What is a panic attack?

If you ever have a panic attack, you will know about it, they are unmistakable. All of a sudden, you feel your body heat up, your heart pounds while your breathing gets heavier and harder, your senses heighten and everything is just going over and over in your head. You feel like it's heart attack, this thing is taking over your body, you feel as though you might die. 

No, no you won't die. In this moment your heart is better so fast, it's not really possible. It's all in your mind, that's what all of this is. A panic attack is your body going into overdrive. They are horrible, horrible things but they won't kill you. 

Common symptoms when having a panic attack include;

• Sweating
• Shaking
• A feeling of choking
• Dizziness or feeling faint
• Pins and needles
• Hot or cold flushes
• Feeling sick

What is panic disorder?

Panic disorder is where someone will have reoccurring panic attacks, mostly when it relates to something that has already happened, the person will feel a sense of worry. For example, if your shopping and you get stuck in the lift and have a panic attack. You will also connect this when doing the activity again, so it will cause panic or you may choose to not even do it again because the sense of anxiety there is so strong that you can't even entertain the idea. You will try and avoid the situation again.

My thing tends to be if I've had a panic attack in a certain situation before, then I will avoid it, I won't want to do it because my brain will then associate it with being bad and something that I shouldn't do because bad things will happen. It's silly, because I know my brain is being silly but when the sense of panic is so strong. You believe.

25 Random Facts About Me

1. As you may know already I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks which can mean that the simplest things such as going to the shops can be a big task for me.
2. My favourite colour is purple. Everything purple!!
3. I really enjoy having baths, I find them so relaxing after a day at work!
4. I buy most of my clothes from Ebay, I really like a good bargain and hate spending loads of money!
5. My worst fear was flying- so on my first flight where did I go? I took an 8 hour flight to New York.
6. I am an animal lover!
7. I've had a driving license for 2 and a half years.
8. I studied art at college for 2 years ending up with a National Diploma in art and design.
9. I own far too many nail polishes, but I paint my nails a different colour every week.
10. I tend to say me instead of my.
11. I'd love to own a pair of the mojito heels.
12. My dream holiday would be to Bora Bora.
13. I play the guitar.
14. I'm 21 years young. A pretty basic fact for you there.
15. My laptop is my prize possession or my car.
16. Honesty is the most important quality to me.
17. I get addicted to eating stawberry laces. You know, the sweets?
18. I love comedy films! It's very rare I enjoy an action film.
19. I own all 8 series of Desperate Housewives on DVD. Favourite TV show ever.
20. When I was a kid I'm sure I watched every episode of Tom and Jerry.
21. I would love to go back to America!
22. I love Thai food.
23. ...days into september I was born.
24. My all time favourite perfume is- Vera Wang- Princess Night.
25. I'm a homebird.

The Start of My Story..

This is a post that for me is very revealing, it's probably something that I haven't shared with a lot of people in my lifetime. But this is when my nerves started to play a big part of my life.

As a young child I think I was always nervous, for example when going to friends parties I would think about it all day, think how much I didn't want to go because my tummy always felt funny, at this young and tender age I had no idea that the feeling in my stomach was my nerves. I never really told anyone because for some reason, I thought it was normal, but at that age I didn't know any different. As I got older I started to be a bit more vocal with my parents when I felt uneasy and this is where they confirmed it was my nerves. So yes, generally I was a very nervous child.

When I got to the age of about 8 or 9, my dad left us. By us, that's my mum, my brother and me. He had told my mum a couple of days before of his intentions but then one morning my mum just come down the stairs and broke down crying right in front of me, to this day I can relay that morning back as if it only just happened. I cannot put into words the feelings I had, intact to even sit here and write this my chest tightens. I won't go into the reasons why he left or other unpleasant details that happened at this time. But my dad was still around for a couple of weeks before he moved out. It was sometime in the school holidays. I remember waking up on the first day of term and worried that everybody would know what had happened to my family. I didn't want to go to school. Each morning my mum would drop me off at my grandparents and I would then walk up to school.

From then on things did settle down, I got used to my "new" life. I hardly seen my dad at first, I didn't want to. But very gradually I let him back into my life. Since all this had gone on, I had noticed that my nerves had got worse. At the age of 10/11 I started to develop migraines with aura, and I would never wish this upon anyone, my first one was the scariest most painful experience of my life! I think at this time it was triggered due to stress.

I then left primary school and went onto secondary where I really thought my life would get back on track, dad had moved back in and generally home life was more evenly balanced. My earliest memories of secondary school are not nice ones, I was bullied- a lot. A lot more than I ever let on to my parents. I had acne on my face and back and people would just lay into me over it. I tried everything under the sun, creams, lotions, doctors perceptions but nothing cleared it, so it was just something I grew to live with.

As school went on some days I really wouldn't want to go, like anyone! Walking to school I would be sick on the way most mornings. But this again was something I learnt to live with. Then when I got to my last year, literally the last 3 months everything just went down hill for me. I didn't want to leave the house, I physically couldn't go to school. Finally, mum gave in and let me stay at home if I went to the doctors to get some help. I agreed. But why did I agree? I couldn't get on a public bus, by myself, to go and sort out the problem, that this situation would just make worse. It took me a week to get to the doctors and they put me on a course of Diazepam. I took the first course and didn't really see much improvement, so I went back and they gave me another lot. By this time school had ok'd me to go on early study leave, as long as I attended my english and math classes that was ok up until exams.

I remember my friends pestering me, asking me why I was on early study leave. But I couldn't tell anyone, because in my mind I had no idea why! I managed to get through the last couple of lessons and my exams and then summer started. Over the summer I got better, dramatically. I was like a new person, not a worry in the world! I couldn't believe it!

Since then I attended college for 2 years, passed my driving test and have completed an apprenticeship in business and administration. Still getting nervous over the common things but my anxiety had died down a fair bit.

Until January of this year. Oh boy, it come back with vengeance. An I haven't been able to shack it off since. I don't let it get in the way as much as I did when I was younger but it's still a big part of me and what I face on a daily basis. I went back to the doctors and was put on an antidepressants as I wasn't sleeping either, and working full time, I needed my sleep! But this didn't work it just made things a whole lot worse so I made the decision to come off them and go at it alone. And here I am, going at it alone. But I realise that I'm not alone because there are many of you that are going through the same thing.

This is a short round up of my story, maybe in certain posts in the future I will go more in depth of certain aspects but that's it for now :)

What is Anxiety Disorder?

In this post I just wanted to shed some light on what Anxiety and Panic Attacks/Panic Disorder are like.

Anxiety disorder and panic attacks are two different things, even though they are mistaken they can be very similar in the way of feelings and symptoms. Many people suffer both, I do. I have been suffering for 5 years and still don't completely understand why myself, but I do have some ideas, which I will share in a post at a later date.

Anxiety affects 1 in 20 people in britian. Think about it, when your in a public place how many of those may also be suffering, it won't be the same as you as everyone is different, but they can relate, if they knew.

What is anxiety?

Anxiety can be serve or mild, it can unfortunately get progressively worse. So for some people it may start mild but it can rapidly increase to serve anxiety.

"Anxiety is a feeling of unease, such as worry or fear."

Fundamentally, the above is what it all boils down to. But it's intense feelings or unease and worry. Everyone feels anxious from time to time, there isn't one person who can't say they have never been nervous. Some people are naturally just nervous!

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

GAD is essentially when anxiety is long term, when general day to day things become a struggle. So when;

• Your worrying affects your social, work, school life.
• Your worries become extremely stressful and upsetting, sometimes leading you on to feel depressed.
• Your worries become uncontrollable, you can't shut them out no matter what kind of distractions you use.
• You feel worried nearly everyday.

When you suffer with GAD it means your suffer in a wide variety of situations, not just certain events. GAD suffers tend to feel anxious on a daily basis, even doing a simple thing like going to work can cause all sorts of worries and unease. GAD can cause both physical and emotional symptoms. 

Physical symptoms can affect the whole body and every part of it.Physical symptoms that are most common include;

• Shaking
• Hot sweats
• Headaches
• Difficulty breathing 

Emotional symptoms include;

• Feeling of doom
• Loss of control
• Feeling that you are going mad

Anxiety can also cause phycological disorders, such as;

• OCD
• Depression

Treatment

When it comes down to treatment there aren't really that many options. I have tried both, but I will write more on that later.

Drug Treatment

To help ease you and calm you down, it may be in the form of an anti-depressent or maybe just something to help you sleep at night. But I can write from experience, that this can be a dangerous road to go down as you may then feel like you rely on the tablets, but drug treatment can't be a long term thing. It's best used in conjunction with psychological treatment. 

Psychological Treatment

This is essentially talking. Now I've tried this with a number of different people on a number of different occasions when my anxiety was at it's worst. It helps to talk, there is no denying that and the best advice I could ever give to anyone would be- when you feel like you can open up or you need to talk- just talk! Get it off your chest release that energy. This could be a psychologist, doctor or just simply a friend or maybe someone who is going through the same thing. Talking is good, and in my eyes one of the biggest steps.

.Welcome one and all.

Hello Everyone

Thank you for taking the time to look at my new blog! Some of you may be wondering what's going to be appear on this page! Well, this is quite a big thing for me, and quite a big thing to reveal to the world. 

I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks on and off since I was 16. I'm now 21. I know that this can affect a lot of people around these ages and I know first hand how hard it is. Recently, I have been making a huge effort to overcome this and I wanted to share my journey with you all, in hope that even if it makes a difference to one person, I'm happy. 

I want this place to be a community for people, help each other, talk to each other and just communicate. Please be considerate to others when posting comments and chatting. Mental health is a sensitive subject but it's something that shouldn't be shied away from!

So I hope that you will join me on this hard journey and enjoy my posts.

Suzanne

xx

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